Talking Dog for Sale!
Just been the Doctors and asked him about the results of the Tests I've had.
He told me I had full Blown Aids and ALSO Parkinsons!
I was gutted, but he chirped up that I should think about the bright side.
I asked him what could possibly be bright about all this news.
He told me that with having Parkinsons disease, I should shake the Aids off!
Alan.
He told me I had full Blown Aids and ALSO Parkinsons!
I was gutted, but he chirped up that I should think about the bright side.
I asked him what could possibly be bright about all this news.
He told me that with having Parkinsons disease, I should shake the Aids off!
Alan.
I met an older woman at the pub other night. I though she was pretty good for a 54 year old.
We drank a fair bit and ended up having a bit of a kiss. We had a few dances, and then she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double - a mother and daughter threesome?
I said, “No love. but I'll try anything once†
We had a couple more drinks, and then she said that tonight was my lucky night.
So we got a taxi back to hers and went into her house.
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She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"
Alan
We drank a fair bit and ended up having a bit of a kiss. We had a few dances, and then she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double - a mother and daughter threesome?
I said, “No love. but I'll try anything once†
We had a couple more drinks, and then she said that tonight was my lucky night.
So we got a taxi back to hers and went into her house.
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She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"
Alan Two poor souls, Alex and Derek, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Alex stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Alex immediately blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into 1931 Quinta Do Noval Nacional Port.
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the Port and the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Port on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Derek looked disgustedly at Alex, whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Derek said, "Nice going Alex! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
Alan
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Alex immediately blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into 1931 Quinta Do Noval Nacional Port.
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the Port and the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Port on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Derek looked disgustedly at Alex, whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Derek said, "Nice going Alex! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
Alan In actual fact , 2 men peeing in an ocean ( pick one ) would not have a significant impact .
However , ( and this is where the verbal diahrea comes in ) theoretical evidence would dictate , that the volume of the body of water would be influenced . In theory , If the body of water had a high saline content , the effect on the environment would be negligeable at best . However , once again , If the body of water contained a significant amount of fresh water ( 90% ) and one was to introduce a large amount of urea and uric acid , theoreticaly this statement could be hoagwash .
However , ( and this is where the verbal diahrea comes in ) theoretical evidence would dictate , that the volume of the body of water would be influenced . In theory , If the body of water had a high saline content , the effect on the environment would be negligeable at best . However , once again , If the body of water contained a significant amount of fresh water ( 90% ) and one was to introduce a large amount of urea and uric acid , theoreticaly this statement could be hoagwash .
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Alex Bridgeman
- Graham’s 1948
- Posts: 14906
- Joined: 13:41 Mon 25 Jun 2007
- Location: Berkshire, UK
While I agree with Derek that if you consider the entire ocean of Quinta do Noval 1931 then it's true that two men peeing into it could not have a significant impact on the chemical composition of the entire ocean.
However, this overlooks Murphy's Law (also known as Sod's Law) which states that only the part of the ocean that Derek was about to drink would contain 2 day's worth of Alex' urine. So everyone can now tell Derek that he was absolutely correct ... but we can all look extremely smug while we do!
Alex (B)
However, this overlooks Murphy's Law (also known as Sod's Law) which states that only the part of the ocean that Derek was about to drink would contain 2 day's worth of Alex' urine. So everyone can now tell Derek that he was absolutely correct ... but we can all look extremely smug while we do!
Alex (B)
Top Ports in 2023: Taylor 1896 Colheita, b. 2021. A perfect Port.
2024: Niepoort 1900 Colheita, b.1971. A near perfect Port.
2024: Niepoort 1900 Colheita, b.1971. A near perfect Port.
Although I'm impressed that the Three Great Minds, 
(See No, Hear No, Speak No)
have given great thought to the Ocean/Urine debate, but...
The story suggested, and KillerB quickly cottoned on to, the fact that they'll be pee-ing IN THE BOAT!!!
Alan
(See No, Hear No, Speak No) have given great thought to the Ocean/Urine debate, but...
The story suggested, and KillerB quickly cottoned on to, the fact that they'll be pee-ing IN THE BOAT!!!
Alan
Last edited by Conky on 17:50 Mon 06 Aug 2007, edited 2 times in total.
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Alex Bridgeman
- Graham’s 1948
- Posts: 14906
- Joined: 13:41 Mon 25 Jun 2007
- Location: Berkshire, UK
I think that Derek was implying that it didn't matter whether they peed in the boat or in the Noval Nacional 1931, chemically it wouldn't make any difference.
And have you considered what D&A would have to do when the boat was full?
Alex (B)
PS - what was Derek's wish? Presumably for some Quinta do Noval branded ISO glasses.
And have you considered what D&A would have to do when the boat was full?
Alex (B)
PS - what was Derek's wish? Presumably for some Quinta do Noval branded ISO glasses.
Top Ports in 2023: Taylor 1896 Colheita, b. 2021. A perfect Port.
2024: Niepoort 1900 Colheita, b.1971. A near perfect Port.
2024: Niepoort 1900 Colheita, b.1971. A near perfect Port.
Conky , you are on to something .Derek T. wrote:Right, we're back onto my human impact theory. 2 men could not make a significant impact on the chemical properties of an entire ocean no matter how much they peed in it
Derek
Derek's quote does not specificaly say peeing in the boat or in the ocean . . .
Your keen eye diserves an avatar change !!!
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Alex Bridgeman
- Graham’s 1948
- Posts: 14906
- Joined: 13:41 Mon 25 Jun 2007
- Location: Berkshire, UK
A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-colour and "dumb blonde" jokes when a well presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands on a chair and shouts; "I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes,
E-jut! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes,but women in general, for the sakeof cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilised country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."
Flustered the ventriloquist began to apologise, when the blonde yells,"You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little bar steward your knee"
E-jut! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes,but women in general, for the sakeof cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilised country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."
Flustered the ventriloquist began to apologise, when the blonde yells,"You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little bar steward your knee"
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
The Old Monk and the New Monk.
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"Somebody left out the R! "Somebody left out the R!" "Somebody left out the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The original word was...
...Celebrate!!!"
Alan
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"Somebody left out the R! "Somebody left out the R!" "Somebody left out the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The original word was...
...Celebrate!!!"
Alan A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband. 'It is 3 o'clock in the morning'. He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife. 'Just some drunk asking for a push!' 'Did you help him?' she asks. 'No. I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring with rain outside!'
His wife said, 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man dutifully shamed, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello. Are you still there?' 'Yes,' comes back the answer. 'You still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes! Please!' comes the reply from the darkness. 'Where are you?' asks the husband. To which the Drunk shouts 'Over here on the swing!'
Alan
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband. 'It is 3 o'clock in the morning'. He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife. 'Just some drunk asking for a push!' 'Did you help him?' she asks. 'No. I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring with rain outside!'
His wife said, 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man dutifully shamed, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello. Are you still there?' 'Yes,' comes back the answer. 'You still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes! Please!' comes the reply from the darkness. 'Where are you?' asks the husband. To which the Drunk shouts 'Over here on the swing!'
Alan