Talking Dog for Sale!

Talk about anything but keep it polite and reasonably clean.
Conky
Fonseca 1980
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Talking Dog for Sale!

Post by Conky »

A guy is driving around some backwoods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down house:"Talking Dog For Sale". He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"Do you talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the initial shock, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI6.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired
."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog."£10.00," the guy says. "£10.00? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar and full of Shlt. He never did any of that stuff."
Conky
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Post by Conky »

Whats that I hear you shouting??? Encore,Encore!
Ok then.

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted."

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian."
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KillerB
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Post by KillerB »

Where is that banging my head against a table graemlin? I know I put it somewhere.
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Treacle
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Post by Treacle »

oh no, after the last off-line, I thought I had managed a crafty escape from Alan's "jokes". Ashamed to admit it but that cod one was funny.
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DRT
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Post by DRT »

Treacle,

Don't encourage him, it only makes things worse :?

Derek
Conky
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Post by Conky »

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife
Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of
course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I
only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had
only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed,then
afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Barry, however,
heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat
up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being
funny....but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
Conky
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Post by Conky »

Two cannibals were eating clowns, one turns to the other and says "Does yours taste funny?"
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DRT
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Post by DRT »

Alan,

I prefer your longer jokes. The disappointment is more effectivre when the anticipation is built up over a longer period :lol:

Derek
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Post by Conky »

Two cannibals, father and son set out through the rain forest looking for their next meal.
A stunning young blonde woman runs past them.
The son says to the father, "Hey Dad, Should we take her home and eat her?"
The father says to the son, "No Son, we'll take her home and eat your mother!"
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Luc
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Post by Luc »

Ahhhhhhh !!
Vintage Alan . . .
Conky
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Post by Conky »

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful." :D
Todd P
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Post by Todd P »

Alright - even I admit... the bear one was GOOOD! :D

Todd
Conky
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Post by Conky »

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - given that you are blind that you should know five things:

1- The bartender is a blonde girl.
2- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3- I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"

Alan :lol: :lol: :lol:
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DRT
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Post by DRT »

I hope Lady Roots isn't blonde otherwise we may just have lost our only female member :?

Derek

PS: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
"The first duty of Port is to be red"
Ernest H. Cockburn
Conky
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Post by Conky »

Yorkshire couple go to Majorca for their first holiday abroad. Being typical Brits abroad, they don't trust the local food, and as it's a Sunday they start cooking a roast dinner. Unfortunately they've forgotten the gravy granules, so Maureen says to Geoffrey:

"I'm sure the couple next door are English, go and ask them if they've got some"

So off he goes, knocks on the door, and sure enough a bloke in Union Jack shorts opens the door:

Geoffrey asks politely: "Hast thou any Bisto??"

The bloke says: "Not another Sodding Spaniard!"

Alan :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Luc
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Post by Luc »

I guess you had to be there :roll:
But , then again , even If I was there I wouldn't get It . . .
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DRT
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Post by DRT »

Luc,

Don't worry, even if you were there and did get it it still wouldn't be funny :?

Derek
"The first duty of Port is to be red"
Ernest H. Cockburn
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Luc
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Post by Luc »

Then Derek , I must downgrade the joke to 10 yr Tawny status :P
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DRT
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Post by DRT »

Luc wrote:Then Derek , I must downgrade the joke to 10 yr Tawny status :P
Cruz Ruby would be more appropriate :wink:

Derek
"The first duty of Port is to be red"
Ernest H. Cockburn
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Luc
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Post by Luc »

I wanted to give Alan the benefit of the doubt , you know , he may have had a memory lapse or he may have been day dreaming about his trip to the Douro :wink:
Conky
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Post by Conky »

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
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Luc
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Post by Luc »

Hilarious , should wash It down with a pint of Guiness and peanut butter :)
Conky
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Post by Conky »

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables,horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,

"we're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.
Conky
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Post by Conky »

Having retired to the Backbenches Tony Blair started jogging near his home to get fit.
Every day, he jogs past a 'working girl' standing on the corner of the lane.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" Tony would smile and fire back.
This ritual between Tony and the girl became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's corner, Tony realized she would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good
explanation.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
Tony tried to avoid the girl's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled "See what you get for a fiver".
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Luc
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Post by Luc »

Conky , on the Salvador Dali scale , your last attempt rates a '66 Vintage ...
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