THE FAMOUS LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS:
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest, of course, is history......................
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Talking Dog for Sale!
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by Conky » 15:07 Fri 14 Sep 2007
Market Research
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a
young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used
the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me
and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate
hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you
for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me
exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I
put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke....
Alan
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a
young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used
the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me
and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate
hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you
for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me
exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I
put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke....
Alan - Conky
- Cruz Ruby
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- Joined: 22:51 Wed 20 Jun 2007
by Conky » 13:29 Mon 17 Sep 2007
I was recently explaing to a friend, our morning kitchen routine for Breakfast. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," I explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" My friend asked.
"Actually, yes," I replied. "It use to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Alan
"Did it save time?" My friend asked.
"Actually, yes," I replied. "It use to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Alan - Conky
- Cruz Ruby
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- Joined: 22:51 Wed 20 Jun 2007
by Conky » 23:24 Mon 08 Oct 2007
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinaman are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
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Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"
- Conky
- Cruz Ruby
- Posts: 0
- Joined: 22:51 Wed 20 Jun 2007
by Conky » 09:01 Tue 09 Oct 2007
A tale that reminded me of Julian and Derek...
The Birds and the Bees
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
Now if you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, I'll have nothing left to live for.'
Alan
The Birds and the Bees
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
Now if you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, I'll have nothing left to live for.'
Alan - Conky
- Cruz Ruby
- Posts: 0
- Joined: 22:51 Wed 20 Jun 2007
by Conky » 22:24 Tue 16 Oct 2007
I felt that Derek might feel left out, with all these jokes in a foriegn tongue (English). So I thought these might redress the balance...
GLESGA STORIES
This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record when his wife
sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"Whit wis that fur?" he cries.
"That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the
name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she.
"Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the
races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on.
" She seems satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work
around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she
nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around, he says, "whit the hell wis that fur?"
"Your horse phoned!" she said.
........................................................................................
A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find
themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train,
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to
sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I was wondering if
you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says,
"I've got a better idea, let's kid-on we're married.
The woman giggles and says, "Why not".
"Good", he replies. "Get your own ' blanket!"
................................................................................................
A Glesga woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in
Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the >concierge.
"Toilet pepper! You bloody eejit"
...........................................................................................................
A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother
he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. Whit part is it?" she asks.
The boy says, "I play the part of the Scottish husband." The
mother scowls and says, "Go back an' tell that
teacher you want a speaking part!"
........................
One day the Primary! 1 teacher was reading the story of the
Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the
story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the
building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I
have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you
think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said
Hell! A talking pig!'"
.................................................................................................................
A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight,
found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or
bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts
for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby
is under weight. You don't have any milk !"
I know," she said, "ah'm his Granny, but I'm glad I came!
GLESGA STORIES
This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record when his wife
sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"Whit wis that fur?" he cries.
"That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the
name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she.
"Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the
races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on.
" She seems satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work
around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she
nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around, he says, "whit the hell wis that fur?"
"Your horse phoned!" she said.
........................................................................................
A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find
themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train,
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to
sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I was wondering if
you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says,
"I've got a better idea, let's kid-on we're married.
The woman giggles and says, "Why not".
"Good", he replies. "Get your own ' blanket!"
................................................................................................
A Glesga woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in
Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the >concierge.
"Toilet pepper! You bloody eejit"
...........................................................................................................
A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother
he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. Whit part is it?" she asks.
The boy says, "I play the part of the Scottish husband." The
mother scowls and says, "Go back an' tell that
teacher you want a speaking part!"
........................
One day the Primary! 1 teacher was reading the story of the
Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the
story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the
building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I
have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you
think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said
Hell! A talking pig!'"
.................................................................................................................
A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight,
found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or
bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts
for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby
is under weight. You don't have any milk !"
I know," she said, "ah'm his Granny, but I'm glad I came!
- Conky
- Cruz Ruby
- Posts: 0
- Joined: 22:51 Wed 20 Jun 2007
by DRT » 22:35 Tue 16 Oct 2007
Unfortunately, as I am from Edinburgh and not Glesga these Weegie jokes aren't funny, just irritating, like a Weegie would be if he was sat next to you on a bus telling you them first hand 
Derek
Derek
"The first duty of Port is to be red"
Ernest H. Cockburn
Ernest H. Cockburn
-
DRT - Graham’s 1970
- Posts: 8679
- Joined: 22:51 Wed 20 Jun 2007
- Location: Chesterfield, UK
by Conky » 21:38 Wed 17 Oct 2007
When Modern Thinking met a different Era!
Horatio Nelson at Trafalgar
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of
this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her
duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors,
lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full
speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and
they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up
there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of
admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing
in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men
to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be
in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy
and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy
Alan
Horatio Nelson at Trafalgar
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of
this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her
duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors,
lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full
speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and
they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up
there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of
admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing
in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men
to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be
in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy
and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy
Alan - Conky
- Cruz Ruby
- Posts: 0
- Joined: 22:51 Wed 20 Jun 2007
by Conky » 23:41 Thu 18 Oct 2007
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Alan
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Alan - Conky
- Cruz Ruby
- Posts: 0
- Joined: 22:51 Wed 20 Jun 2007
by Luc » 14:38 Fri 19 Oct 2007
Conky wrote:An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
I'd tell that joke to my better half , BUT since she's a lawyer , I think I'll pass . . .
-
Luc - Graham’s The Tawny
- Posts: 468
- Joined: 12:39 Thu 21 Jun 2007
- Location: Montreal, Quebec
by Luc » 14:52 Fri 19 Oct 2007
Conky wrote:An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinaman are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"
Graham's '63 Vintage !!!
-
Luc - Graham’s The Tawny
- Posts: 468
- Joined: 12:39 Thu 21 Jun 2007
- Location: Montreal, Quebec
by Luc » 15:00 Fri 19 Oct 2007
Conky wrote:Market Research
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a
young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used
the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me
and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate
hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you
for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me
exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I
put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke....
Warre's '77 !!!
-
Luc - Graham’s The Tawny
- Posts: 468
- Joined: 12:39 Thu 21 Jun 2007
- Location: Montreal, Quebec
by Conky » 08:45 Sat 20 Oct 2007
"Right Doc, I'm taking it all a bit more seriously now. I've given up the cigars, cut back on all the grilled fatty food, stopped the beer and the Port, and stopped chasing all these gorgeous women!!! Do you think I'll live longer?"
Doctor, "Sadly not...but it will feel like it!"
Doctor, "Sadly not...but it will feel like it!"
- Conky
- Cruz Ruby
- Posts: 0
- Joined: 22:51 Wed 20 Jun 2007
by Luc » 11:27 Sat 20 Oct 2007
Conky wrote:"Right Doc, I'm taking it all a bit more seriously now. I've given up the cigars, cut back on all the grilled fatty food, stopped the beer and the Port, and stopped chasing all these gorgeous women!!! Do you think I'll live longer?"
Doctor, "Sadly not...but it will feel like it!"
Slipped a bit , Dow '85
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Luc - Graham’s The Tawny
- Posts: 468
- Joined: 12:39 Thu 21 Jun 2007
- Location: Montreal, Quebec
by Conky » 15:12 Thu 25 Oct 2007
Sean Connery's agent calls him up, "Sean Baby, I'm so sorry to call you when your on holiday, but I've got a crackerjack offer for you, you can't miss this. I've set up an audition for you at the studio in LA, just be there for Tennish"
"Tennish?" says Sean, "But I don't have a racquet"
Alan
"Tennish?" says Sean, "But I don't have a racquet"
Alan - Conky
- Cruz Ruby
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by Conky » 18:34 Thu 25 Oct 2007
Luc,
None of my jokes are very good, but I worry that this is a dialect joke. Derek would probably do a good Sean Connery, and would show that every word ends in 'ISH' with that Scotish brogue. He is probably one of the most imitated people over our side.
Of course, when you have to explain your jokes, it is a clear indication they are just not funny!
Alan
None of my jokes are very good, but I worry that this is a dialect joke. Derek would probably do a good Sean Connery, and would show that every word ends in 'ISH' with that Scotish brogue. He is probably one of the most imitated people over our side.
Of course, when you have to explain your jokes, it is a clear indication they are just not funny!
Alan
- Conky
- Cruz Ruby
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by Simon Lisle » 11:09 Sun 28 Oct 2007
How do you get a thousand cows in a barn in five minutes.
Put a bingo sign outside.(apologies to any of the forum members or wives who play bingo)
Put a bingo sign outside.(apologies to any of the forum members or wives who play bingo)
- Simon Lisle
- Taylor’s LBV
- Posts: 194
- Joined: 15:15 Fri 31 Aug 2007
by Conky » 15:13 Mon 29 Oct 2007
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it in his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry in his butt, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Alan
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it in his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry in his butt, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Alan - Conky
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