Conky wrote:An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Conky wrote:An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinaman are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"
Conky wrote:Market Research
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a
young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me
and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you
for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me
exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I
put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke....
Conky wrote:"Right Doc, I'm taking it all a bit more seriously now. I've given up the cigars, cut back on all the grilled fatty food, stopped the beer and the Port, and stopped chasing all these gorgeous women!!! Do you think I'll live longer?"
Doctor, "Sadly not...but it will feel like it!"
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