ThePortForum.com

Day 7: Tuesday

Breakfast: Freshly squeezed juice and cornlfakes

Lunch: Chicken salad

Dinner: Roast pork loin with baked potato and veg (same as yesterday - it was a big piece of pork

Alcohol: None

State of Mind: Watching Jo drink red wine all evening was difficult but I'll let her off as she had a bad day at work.

Win My Cellar If I Die Competition: Luc retired without putting up a fight.

Derek

HAA..I just figured out what a Stone is...god bless my Apple computer. I am 11 Stones

One would say it in the singular: I am fifteen stone.

And eleven stone is ridiculously petite.

An 11 stone copper?

Just to check Andy, that would make you 154 lb. I was that when I was 30 so can't suggest that it is unlikely, but I didn't live on a diet of burgers and doughnuts.

We don't call them donuts...they are pastries

I would be more stones, but all the bicycle riding/racing keeps me thin. Now the day I stop riding, whoa nelly, that figure will quickly go up

(By order of Admin)

Having no clue what a stone is, nor the inclination to know due to its kidney-ish relevance, I elect to be the same as ADV: 11 stone.

As mentioned in an earlier thread, I've gone over a week now with no Port, and I haven't the slightest why. I suspect it's because I've very few bottles ready for drinking, and I'm not entirely ready to blow through my last remaining bottle of Javali LBV. Nevertheless, I imagine Ronnie would gladly provide me with another stash if the price were right. Truthfully, I cannot find a good store for Port around here, and if there's one selling Port, it's drastically lacking in older vintages. Any Germans with suggestions??? I think I've seen one bloke from Koln lurking in the shadows here .

So, I suppose one might say I've gone on an enamel-saving diet. I only eat calcium now. Milk, cheese, joghurt and ice cream. I'll occasionally throw some cheese in a whole wheat pita, add a dose or two of organic spaghetti sauce (lycopene baby!) and some antibiotic-free pepperoni look-alikes, and finally sprinkle the concoction with a medley of spices. Some people call this (somewhat trivially) 'pizza', but it's more of a ham wallet really.

Wait, can I say that?

I protest against this last post: it is clearly related to port and can therefore never be meaningless. Admin, be fierce on this kind of behaviour.

I think Admin1 or Admin3 should deal with this as I (Admin2) was the one who instructed the post to be placed here

Lo and behold--the pussy pounces! Granted, the line between ham wallet and Port is a fuzzy and variegated one, but certainly we're talking detox here, no?

Yes, but detox can be very much port related if the subject is addressed in the right (or wrong, depends on your view) manner.

Although I must admit that it's very much rewarding that you try to outdo your cruz ruby status without making a single useful post. You obviously belong on this forum.

RonnieRoots wrote:Although I must admit that it's very much rewarding that you try to outdo your cruz ruby status without making a single useful post. You obviously belong on this forum.

Very good point. I knew that he'd fit in well here.

RonnieRoots wrote: You obviously belong on this forum.

I agree, I think we have found another "Special One" - you'll fit in here like a hand in a glove

I do feel a bit sheepish at the moment. All these posts and not a damn bit of good they've done anyone. And I haven't a clue where to correctly post stuff. Ronnie, you're right. I am a novice. I deserve Cruz Ruby status at the moment more than any of my precursors…perhaps. I don't know exactly who they are, but I'm enjoying their pitiable attempts at detox. From what I've been told, alcohol is earth's natural antiseptic, and Port so full of it, along with copious quantities of beneficial antioxidants, like vitamin R(oriz) and my renowned favorite vitamin N(acional).

Should anyone find themselves at risk of premature death, it would seem what we all discuss on this so aptly named forum is the god-honest prescription for averting the early Out. Perhaps we should just be drinking MORE. Anyone considered THAT notion?

Ronnie-I still haven't read your PM. This confounded internet of mine keeps kicking me offline. I'm 'bout to break myself on it. Steve Holt-style.[/i]

SimonSaysDrink wrote: Should anyone find themselves at risk of premature death, it would seem what we all discuss on this so aptly named forum is the god-honest prescription for averting the early Out. Perhaps we should just be drinking MORE. Anyone considered THAT notion?

SSM,

You may not yet have stumbled across any reference to my theory (which I abide by) that if one drinks a bottle of birth year vintage port on their birthday each year they will live forever. I have been doing this for some time now and have yet to be proven wrong. So, in my view, it is definately working.

Derek

SSM?

Isn't that extreme sado-masochism or something? That's a terrible example of national stereotyping, Derek, please apologise.

I thought that was his name in the afternoon?

1981 Port-surely this would effect, not stymie premature death, no? SSM in the afternoon...I'm lost, though admittedly I'm party to a bit of name-changing. I am perhaps the 'Lion Who Has Changed His Spots', but entirely uncertain whether I am him to whom Derek refers.

I was for many years PfalzMan94 of the Wine Spectator scene. Seeing's how this crowd is much more pertinent and exciting-and welcoming-I've decided to alter the entire moniker scheme to ensure continuity in my own senile (and presumably,at this point, inebriated) head.

SSN

(if N it must be to signify nighty-night time)

The ability of this forum to make me LOL is staggering.

Derek

IIRC, Quinta do Infantado is the only one who made an 1981 VP. I don't think there's stock enough to outlive you... Oh bugger, that's wine related again...

Back on topic...

Day 8: Wednesday

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: Tuna salad

Dinner: Tuna steak with whole-wheat pasta and tomato-based sauce

Alcohol: None

State of Mind: Amazed at the ability of so many people on this website, including me, to spend so much of their day talking absolute nonsense.

Win My Cellar If I Die Competition: Hilary has made a comeback today. Oh, no, that's another competion

Derek

You ought to try the ham wallet, Derek. It's quite tasty. And nutritious. It often takes well to wine, but liquor really does the trick.

Ronnie, when you've tired of your desert oasis and you decide to make your biannual trip to Portugal, we've got to hit up crazy Catarina and score some '81 VP. Once we get her liquored up, that is. When she sees this is cleary a matter or eternal life, then surely she'll cough up, let's see...one birthyear Port every birthday...(calculating life expectancy)...(adding random integers to accommodate copious Port consumption, random Robustos, ham wallet binges, Steve McQueen combat driving)...

12, maybe 18 bottles.

Think she's down?

Derek T. wrote:The ability of this forum to make me LOL is staggering.

Derek

Does that mean all you're doing is lolling around...

Day 9: Thursday

Breakfast: Fruit juice

Lunch: Chicken salad and an apple

Dinner: Chicken and baked potato

Alcohol: None

State of Mind: When I close my eyes I can see steak and a glass of Fonseca 1966

Win My Cellar If I Die Competition: Jdaw's behind the scenes cooperation is increasing his lead exponentially

Derek

Derek T. wrote:Win My Cellar If I Die Competition: Jdaw's behind the scenes cooperation is increasing his lead exponentially

I have given you your admin rights back

You have now entered the race, and doing extremely well

Why did the naughty boy do to have them taken off him?

Conky wrote:Why did the naughty boy do to have them taken off him?

He mucked about with ranks just as somebody (no names) was about to change levels.

Order was restored.

Good Skills.

This may now make sense

Derek

I bet it killed you being a mere mortal for a few hours...

Did you have all your Cub Scout badges ripped off as well?

Derek T. wrote:Win My Cellar If I Die Competition: Jdaw's behind the scenes cooperation is increasing his lead exponentially

Now, this isn’t going to help my chances of winning. But it really rankles. This terrible use of the word “exponentially† to mean “a lot†. Functions of the form x^n can increase quickly (as x increases) if n>0, and can quickly decrease to zero if n<0. If you mean “a lot†, please consider the merits of saying “a lot†. Unless you mean “exponentially in time with positive exponent†, in which case say same and be mocked heartily.

jdaw1 wrote:

Derek T. wrote:Win My Cellar If I Die Competition: Jdaw's behind the scenes cooperation is increasing his lead exponentially

Now, this isn’t going to help my chances of winning. But it really rankles. This terrible use of the word “exponentially† to mean “a lot†. Functions of the form x^n can increase quickly (as x increases) if n>0, and can quickly decrease to zero if n<0. If you mean “a lot†, please consider the merits of saying “a lot†. Unless you mean “exponentially in time with positive exponent†, in which case say same and be mocked heartily.

You failed to mention what happens if -1<x<1 or if x=1 or x=0 and n increases, or even e^x or e^-x

KillerB wrote:

jdaw1 wrote:

Derek T. wrote:Win My Cellar If I Die Competition: Jdaw's behind the scenes cooperation is increasing his lead exponentially

Now, this isn’t going to help my chances of winning. But it really rankles. This terrible use of the word “exponentially† to mean “a lot†. Functions of the form x^n can increase quickly (as x increases) if n>0, and can quickly decrease to zero if n<0. If you mean “a lot†, please consider the merits of saying “a lot†. Unless you mean “exponentially in time with positive exponent†, in which case say same and be mocked heartily.

You failed to mention what happens if -1<x<1 or if x=1 or x=0 and n increases, or even e^x or e^-x

But that's exactly what happens to the combined age of my bottles when I get more of them - they accumulate an extra year more quickly. Is this an exponential effect where n>x>1? (n = number of bottles, x = number of days taken for the combined number of bottles to age by another year)

I could be on to something here...

PS - I've given up on the "Win Derek's cellar if he dies on his big detox" competition. It's clear that he's going to survive if he's closing his eyes and dreaming about steak 'n' 'seca.

Is this an exponential effect where n>x>1? (n = number of bottles, x = number of days taken for the combined number of bottles to age by another year)

No, it's linear:

y = nx

and it's to age by another Bridgeman.

Accountants, IT Managers and Hedge Fund Managers,

I bet you go down a scream in the Pub on a Friday night....


And...

Julian, I'm beginning to see the fun in pulling folk up all the time.

Being in the pub on a Friday night with us beats hanging tags onto dead people's toes on a Friday night.

I used to wonder where Tom got his tags from - now I know!

KillerB wrote:You failed to mention what happens if -1<x<1 or if x=1 or x=0 and n increases, or even e^x or e^-x

The parenthetical “(as x increases)† was meant to make clear that x is increasing but n held constant. It might be that you’re pretending not to have read that, knowing that some people just won’t argue with an equation.

jdaw1 wrote:

KillerB wrote:You failed to mention what happens if -1<x<1 or if x=1 or x=0 and n increases, or even e^x or e^-x

The parenthetical “(as x increases)† was meant to make clear that x is increasing but n held constant. It might be that you’re pretending not to have read that, knowing that some people just won’t argue with an equation.

I did read it but was asking the question of variability of n. You have not mentioned e^x which is an exponential function. The question has been logged (sic).

More stupidity. I am out of it this week. I humbly apologise. Please swap n and x in all my above posts. I dislike the term exponentially used to mean a lot, then give an example of a polynomial. Doh!

jdaw1 wrote: I dislike the term exponentially used to mean a lot, then give an example of a polynomial. Doh!

Well, I didn't want to raise the issue but it was a bit like the pot calling the kettle black

Derek

PS: For the record, I meant exponentially

It has now been anti-logged.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch....

I am about to start a weekend of 10hr evenings. 5-3am's. Thats not a bad way of keeping off the Port.

Roll on the 19th.

Alan

Derek T. wrote:Day 2

Breakfast: Freshly squeezed apple, grapefruit, carrot, pear and ginger juice - yummy

Lunch: 2 apples and 1 bannana

Dinner: Freshly squeezed cucumber, tomato, celery, carrot, apple, red pepper and ginger juice - followed by Chilli-con-not-carne-at-all made with Quorn mince and brown rice

Alcohol: NONE

State of Mind: My life is flashing before my eyes - I may not have long to live

Watch out for canker sores with all that citric acid.

Worse yet, beware of skanker whores, perhaps the canker sore's causal corollary. ANY acid, either in your diet or general possession, will lead to problems.

Someone will have to explain canker sores to me, please?

Nothing hurts at the moment, so I don't think I have any, but I wouldn't know if my canker was hurting because I have no idea where it is on my body

Day 10: Friday

Fish and chips, Thai Curried King Prawns, fried rice and 6 bottles of Stella

Derek

Canker sores are the inner-mouth equivalent (nearly) of cold sores, which propagate outside the mouth, usually right around it. Let it not be confused-canker sores are not cold sores. Cold sores are Herpes Simplex Virus 1 (99.99% of the time). If you're getting Herpes from this detox, see above thread-lay off the skanker whores.

Canker sores are like small lesions in the mouth, usually on the roof of it or around the front by your drinkhole, perceptible both by the tongue and the seering, mind-crushing pain brought about by salty food.

Based on your Friday diet, salt has been kind to you. So you are 100% canker and skanker free bro.

SimonSaysDrink wrote: Based on your Friday diet, salt has been kind to you. So you are 100% canker and skanker free bro.

As you may have worked out, my Friday detox was specifically designed as a canker test. Which, as you point out, had a satisfactory outcome.

I do, very occassionally, suffer from Herpes Simplex Virus 1 of the lips, but can confirm I have done so since being a small child and cannot remember coming into contact with a skanker whore. Just to be on the safe side, I would suggest that it would be best if no one tried to kiss me at the forthcoming offline, however tempting it may be.

Derek

I hate to imagine what you might have conjured up for a skanker test-actually, I'll bet that would have been a killer thread.

Speaking of the forthcoming offline, that really sounds like a killer time. Wishin' I were livin' in grand ol' Britain right about now. I'd be there in a heartbeat, herpes or no.