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It had to come. No matter how much I ignored it. I've started the BIG Detox diet. Having thoroughly enjoyed reaching 20+ stones, drinking a bottle of wine every night, plus beer, assorted spirits and of course Port.
I've enjoyed Bacon Butties, Chips, Pies, confectionery and anything else that tastes delicious...but undoubtedly kills you a tad quicker.

Well today it was a Banana and Tangerine smoothie(Breakfast), home made pea and ham soup(Lunch), and two small jacket potatoes, chicken breast, with baked courgettes,butternut squash,leeks,sweetcorn,tomatoes,broad beans,mushrooms and peppers(Dinner).

No butter, bread, chips,etc. And NO ALCOHOL!
In a few days, a farmer would buy me for the manure!

this could be a new level of Meaningless Drivel?

Alan

Alan,

I feel your pain. My penance also started today although I have to say I seem to have gone for less quantity than you when it comes to all that "good" stuff

Breakfast: 1 Apple

Lunch: Celery, apple and carrot smoothy

Dinner: Baked Potato (1), Tuna Steak and Jo's Ratatoullie

Alchohol: None

Enjoyment: None

Current Mental State: Not good

I am going on holiday on 19 Jan for a week and am trying to convince myself that today will be a normal day for me between now and then. I am consoling myself with the thought that I will be taking 7 bottles of Vintage Port and several pounds of steak with me when I go to my holiday hideaway on the Northumberland coast

Derek

A few months ago I joined a gym, an event described by a NY chum as “one of the three signs of the apocalypse†. So I too feel your pain.

I've limited my caloric intake to merely alcohol! ...

It's these offlines that are screwing things up =)

Indeed, it is a shame that we won’t be seeing Conky at the 1966 horizontal later this month. Doctor’s orders are doctor’s orders, so we understand, and shall toast his health with the Offley Boa Vista 1966 that Conky is nobly still providing for us. Conky: good luck; hope it goes well; see you at fifteen stone presumably?

Jeff: see you tomorrow for the Colheitathon.

Well New years day was the 90 mile bicycle ride at a blistering fast pace. I burned 3,100 calories in less than 4 hours

Tonight is a 10 year tawny Port by Presidential (Dalva to the rest of the world).

Alan , say It Isn't so !!!!
The BIG DETOX . . . ( what would Rodin say ? )

Conky wrote:It had to come. No matter how much I ignored it. I've started the BIG Detox diet. Having thoroughly enjoyed reaching 20+ stones, drinking a bottle of wine every night, plus beer, assorted spirits and of course Port.
I've enjoyed Bacon Butties, Chips, Pies, confectionery and anything else that tastes delicious...but undoubtedly kills you a tad quicker.

Well today it was a Banana and Tangerine smoothie(Breakfast), home made pea and ham soup(Lunch), and two small jacket potatoes, chicken breast, with baked courgettes,butternut squash, leeks, sweetcorn, tomatoes, broad beans, mushrooms and peppers(Dinner).

No butter, bread, chips,etc. And NO ALCOHOL!
In a few days, a farmer would buy me for the manure!

I try (and sometimes succeed) to eat like this 90% of the time - lots of vegetables, fruit and salad and only the occasional steak. The main difference between the way that I do it and the way you've described is that I use my diet as an excuse to drink port to get the calories I need to survive.

So keep up the diet and hopefully you'll find that when you hit 15 stone then you need to start drinking port again in order not to lose even more weight and fade away into nothingness.

Alex

Day 2

Breakfast: Freshly squeezed apple, grapefruit, carrot, pear and ginger juice - yummy

Lunch: 2 apples and 1 bannana

Dinner: Freshly squeezed cucumber, tomato, celery, carrot, apple, red pepper and ginger juice - followed by Chilli-con-not-carne-at-all made with Quorn mince and brown rice

Alcohol: NONE

State of Mind: My life is flashing before my eyes - I may not have long to live

Breakfast - two really nice, big butter croissants and coffee.

Dinner last night - Chicken Tikka Masala, rice and plain nan breads. Tonight, pistachio and sausage stuffed chicken legs, wrapped in bacon with whatever I can find to accompany, possibly sweet potato mash and fine beans.

Am I on the right track?

KillerB wrote:Breakfast - two really nice, big butter croissants and coffee.

Dinner last night - Chicken Tikka Masala, rice and plain nan breads. Tonight, pistachio and sausage stuffed chicken legs, wrapped in bacon with whatever I can find to accompany, possibly sweet potato mash and fine beans.

Am I on the right track?

No. But I'm coming to your house for dinner

My Day 2 updated above - this is torture

Come on Conky, what have you had today?

Derek

Derek T. wrote:My Day 2 updated above - this is torture

Come on Conky, what have you had today?

Derek

I feel a competition coming on . . .

Luc wrote: I feel a competition coming on . . .

The prospect of public humiliation and ridicule for failure is the only motivation that is likely to keep me on this path

Derek

Day 2

Breakfast,

Banana & Tangerine smoothie.

Lunch,

The last of a Ham roast, about 4 slices. Spoonful of Piccalilli.

Dinner,

Pork fillet in apple and cider sauce, 2 small jacket spuds with peas,carrots,green beans,leek. 'Light' yoghurt.

just had another banana.

Nothing else...at all! You're very lucky your not in the same room. Foul mood and hungry!

Alan

How did you know I'm in a foul mood

Derek T. wrote:State of Mind: My life is flashing before my eyes - I may not have long to live

OK, let’s be practical in this thread. People are invited to post on why, if Derek’s diet should be as bad for the health as is feared, they should inherit Derek’s port collection.

Me first: because every label I put on those bottles will be perfectly punctuated.

Don't you have to have a target before you can know you've failed to reach it?

Luckily, mines not 15 stone!

So, I had the chicken-pistachio-sausage-bacon thing with sweet potato mash, fine beans and mushrooms and shallots in a Grand Marnier sauce, very nice and surprisingly healthy. Two and a half bottles of Grolsch accompanied it.

More croissants this morning. Please note that I did not have lunch yesterday - just didn't feel like it, not a deliberate ploy.

Day 3

Breakfast: Freshly squeezed apple, carrot, pear and ginger juice

Lunch: 1 apple plus a chicken salad with no tasty mayo or dressing

Dinner:

Alcohol:

State of Mind: Becoming concerned about what will happen to my cellar when I'm gone. I know Julian will punctuate properly on the labels but will they be white on black and in an appropriate stencil font

Lunch - Fish and Chips. It is Friday.

Breakfast - 3 slices of cold roast belly pork and a tangarine

Lunch - deep fried plaice with large helping of baked beans

Dinner - not a clue yet, but will be washed down with what's left of the Carvalhas 1963 vintage port that's left in the decanter


Alex

All this talk of food makes me romania. I was charged with cheese buying responsibilities for Christmas, and am proud to announce that I discharged my obligations admirably. A got an enormous slab of Cropwell Bishop, an equally large chunk of Cerne Abbas Cheddar (thankfully it did not come complete with a chalky willy), some Applewood Smoked Cheddar, Seine de Negresse Goat, and a Finn sheep's cheese in continued absence of Waterloo.

It could be said that I overcatered, considering the cheese mountain that remains. I'd invite you all around to help polish it off, but it sounds like you'd only be allowed the water biscuits. Yuk. As it is, I guess we'll have to bravely soldier on ourselves.

And you think dieting is tough!

I don't know which race is tighter , Derek v.s. Alan or Obama v.s. Hillary . . .

Derek T. wrote:State of Mind: Becoming concerned about what will happen to my cellar when I'm gone. I know Julian will punctuate properly on the labels but will they be white on black and in an appropriate stencil font

If you leave me your cellar, I guarantee that they will be “white on black and in an appropriate stencil font†. What else do I need to say to win?

Would it be helpful to mention that yesterday’s 14oz filet steak was excellent meat, and perfectly uncooked? The accompanying hash browns were OK but not really worthy of following-day praise.

jdaw1 wrote: If you leave me your cellar, I guarantee that they will be “white on black and in an appropriate stencil font†. What else do I need to say to win?

You are definately the front runner and if I remember to update my will before I starve to death the cellar will be yours unless anyone comes up with a better promise.

jdaw1 wrote:Would it be helpful to mention that yesterday’s 14oz filet steak was excellent meat, and perfectly uncooked? The accompanying hash browns were OK but not really worthy of following-day praise.

No, it wouldn't be helpful.

Hash Browns with filet steak, never would have thought of that one, but now it sounds like my favourite dish in the whole world.

Day 3

Break, Nothing

Lunch, Tuna Mayo sandwich with spring onions, peppers and a tomato.

Dinner, Chicken breast, jacket potato, veg(As day 1)

Doing my swede in. Had to pop up the Club today and saw the lads having numerous Guinness. When they shouted my drink in, I had to cancel it, and explain why.
I was remarkably encouraged by a mate, who offered 'But Alan, even if you drop 5 stone, you'll still be an ugly get!'
I sloped off, muttering darkly.

Alan.

Derek T. wrote:You are definately the front runner and if I remember to update my will before I starve to death the cellar will be yours unless anyone comes up with a better promise.

How about I promise to pour a bottle of 1965 VP onto your grave every year. This is a well known route to eternal life for people born in 1965.

In fact, it doesn't matter what you eat or don't eat for 364 days a year provided you drink a bottle of birth year on your birthday every year. Then you will live forever

I know this for a fact 'cos Derek told me so it must be true

Alex

AHB wrote:

Derek T. wrote:You are definately the front runner and if I remember to update my will before I starve to death the cellar will be yours unless anyone comes up with a better promise.

How about I promise to pour a bottle of 1965 VP onto your grave every year. This is a well known route to eternal life for people born in 1965.

I would not waste your cellar in this manner. Instead I’ll toast your memory with every bottle of VP, and also make a donation to a monastery on condition that they pray that St Peter be generous to your soul.

Day 3: Update

Breakfast: Freshly squeezed apple, carrot, pear and ginger juice

Lunch: 1 apple plus a chicken salad with no tasty mayo or dressing

Dinner: Wholemeal pasta, sweet red pepper sauce and grilled chicken breast

Alcohol: None

State of Mind: Rather smug that I got to the end of the week without caving in - Oops, I just ate a slice of Christmas Cake - added at 00:51 on Day 4

Win My Cellar When I Die Competition: AHB has attempted to win favour by latching on to one of my deeply held beliefs that drinking a 1965 VP on my birthday each year will allow me to live forever. However, if I starve to death, pouring it over my cold dead corpse isn't really going to help me, is it - Jdaw continues to lead but has lost a few points for bringing religeon into the debate. St Peter and his Monastery are of no possible use to a man who does not hold any religeous beliefs whatsoever and is, in fact, convinced it is all complete codswallop

Derek

The monastery is cancelled — they don’t need my donation.

Good.

Current offers:

Jdaw will:

• punctuate properly on all labels
• ensure labels are white on black in an appropriate stencil font
• toast my memory with each bottle of VP

AHB will:

• pour all of my beloved 1965 VP's over my cold dead corpse

Jdaw is in front.

Derek

Derek T. wrote:

And I’ll start making extensive and repeated use of Derek T.’s favourite emoticon.

(Though if it isn’t that one just tell me and I’ll use whichever it is.)

Derek,

I'll drink it all, sharing it with friends that will also enjoy it, raise a toast to you in your honor every time, and tell old war-stories about our crazy adventures in Portugal while consuming said Ports. Of course I'll be older then and can embellish the stories all I want...after all you won't be around to correct me

Day 4:

Breakfast: Freshly squeezed avacado, kiwi, lemon, celery and apple juice; cornflakes

Lunch: smoked mackrel with raw carrot and tomato salad; apple, pear, carrot and lime juice

Dinner: Nothing - but had a home made pizza at midnight

Alcohol: 2 cans of lager, 2 cans of Guinness + 1 bottle of Noval 1982

State of Mind: Not feeling guilty at all

Win My Cellar When I Die Competition: will update tomorrow

Derek

As a late attempt to win your cellar when you die, I promise to:

(a) place a label on every bottle you own at the time of your demise stating "This is a bottle from the late Derek Turnbulls 'cellar."

(b) ensure that all apostrophes on the labels (front and rear) I print for your bottles are in the wrong place

(c) ensure that all tasting notes made of the wines from your cellar include at least one misplaced apostrophe; and

(d) to toast your memory at least once per day from a bottle that you owned, posthumously adding to the collection of your bottles as required in order achieve this action. I would form a club in order to do this where we meet at least once per year. The club would be called the CPTdC - or the Crusting Pipe Tiddly-drinkers Club. Membership would be restricted to allow in only those people prepared to enjoy drinking Derek's port.

Am I in with a chance?

Alex

Friday:

Dinner: Swordfish with mushroom risotto and cherry tomatoes in Marsala and balsamic vinegar sauce;

Saturday:

Lunch: Lightly-curried scallops with stir-fried vegetables and noodles;

Dinner: Chilli with rice;

Sunday:

Lunch: Smoked salmon and cream cheese sandwich;

Dinner: Curry-spiced beef and vegetable stew.

I have noticed that I don't actually eat as much crap as I thought. I was doing this to annoy you but I actually eat quite healthily. Good job I haven't mentioned the beer, Port and wine though.

Nor the chocolate

Day 5: Sunday

Breakfast: Freshly squeezed juice; smoked haddock and poached egg

Lunch: more juice; chicken and (lean) bacon roasted in olive oil and lemon pepper with various vegetables and a sinfull Yorkshire pudding

Dinner: Cornflakes

Alcohol: None

State of Mind: Very good.

Win My Cellar If I Die Competition: Alex has redeemed himself somewhat and is now a very close second. Just for clarification - my cellar is only available to the winner in the event that I die as a result of the Big Detox.

Derek

Just to disambiguate, my promise was to toast your memory with all vintage and colheita port I drink subsequently, whether from your or my or someone else’s cellar.

Day 6: Monday

Breakfast: Porridge

Lunch: Nothing

Dinner: Roast pork loin with baked potato and veg

Alcohol: None

State of Mind: Happy. I am 5lbs lighter than I was on Day 1

Win My Cellar If I Die Competition: Jdaw stretches out a lead once again.

Derek

Derek T. wrote:I am 5lbs lighter than I was on Day 1

A little smaller than my record overnight weight loss.

That is easily achieved. Drink 3 or 4 pints. Stand on the scales. Go to bed. Get up and pee. Stand on the scales. Bingo.

Derek T. wrote:Win My Cellar If I Die Competition: Jdaw stretches out a lead once again.

The pedantic lawyer-type in me wonders how I’m going to enforce this against other claimants, even though their claims would be manifestly baseless.

Derek T. wrote:That is easily achieved. Drink 3 or 4 pints. Stand on the scales. Go to bed. Get up and pee. Stand on the scales. Bingo.

Eight. Plus a curry.

jdaw1 wrote:

Derek T. wrote:Win My Cellar If I Die Competition: Jdaw stretches out a lead once again.

The pedantic lawyer-type in me wonders how I’m going to enforce this against other claimants, even though their claims would be manifestly baseless.

I argue that being an active member of TPF would allow me to lay an enforceable claim . . .

Luc wrote:

jdaw1 wrote:

Derek T. wrote:Win My Cellar If I Die Competition: Jdaw stretches out a lead once again.

The pedantic lawyer-type in me wonders how I’m going to enforce this against other claimants, even though their claims would be manifestly baseless.

I argue that being an active member of TPF would allow me to lay an enforceable claim . . .

“manifestly baseless†.

Julian,
Surely you don't mean you would accept a claim by an outsider . . . Gordon Brown for instance !

jdaw1 wrote:enforce this against other claimants, even though their claims would be manifestly baseless.

That includes you and Gordon Brown.

Thus ends my participation in this segment . . .

SEVEN DAYS! SENSIBLE FOOD AND NO ALCOHOL


It's been hard work, but I'm on the way...


(Anyone know any 20+ Stone starving Africans I can give my clothes to, if I can stick to it)