Floods Happen

[DRT]

OK - before I start I will extend the hand of friendship and sympathy to anyone who has been unfortunate enough to lose a port cellar in the recent UK floods.


Right, here goes...


I live just outside of Sheffield and was surprised a few weeks ago to find most of it and the surrounding countryside under water. That surprise lasted about 2 hours, at which point I heard these words being read out on the BBC News "Sheffield has always prided itself as being a city of floods" - nuff said.

In more recent days we have had the great flood plain known as south west England knee deep in water. Just as it has been for millenia.

When will people learn that the best place to build a house, town or city is at the top of a hill. It is not difficult to work out. Coasts errode, rivers swell, plains flood and tops of hills tend to stay where they are and not get too soggy.

Right - got the location bit off my chest so now for the reaction.

Lots of people in South Yorkshire ended up with wet soffa's last month. Some had to sleep in temporary (dry) accommodation with free food. They even had tables on which to fill out their insurance claim forms. So, whilst 80-90% of the worlds population are starving or oppressed by corruption and/or war someone decided to send 20 trucks full of free stuff to Sheffield United footlball ground to hand out to the needy - or was it the greedy, lazy gits who turned up because they have no pride and just fancied a few boxes of free food and a new TV

This week we have had the tragedy of all tragedy's - some of the theatre's in the Bards own country missed a mornings rehersal because some of the roads were closed due to flooding - well worth 20 minutes prime time TV on the same day that UK and US troops were being blown up in Iraq.



Derek

[Conky]

Have you noticed the weather forecasters as well. They prattle on about Southern England as though its life and death. Then there's a vague wave of the hand for what might be happening in the rest of the country.
And dont let the poor sods get snow in February...
They'd call out the National Guard if we had one.

We should have a sponsered Seeth!

Alan

[DRT]

I'm going out on a limb here as I haven't googled any of this but I am fairly sure that the amount of rain that has fallen in the south of England in the past 12 months does not exceed the average rainfall per annum in any area of the UK north of Newcastle over a 50 year period. You see, it's all about hills

Go on, tell me I'm wrong

Derek

PS: Why do spiders try to climb out of baths? So they don't effin drown when someone turns the taps on, of course

[Conky]

I was nodding vigorously, and completely agreeing, until you threw in your David Attenborough moment.

If you dont put a towel over the side of the bath, to let them climb out, they DO drown. Or at least stay trapped, awaiting drowning. The clever ones go back down the plughole. But as I suspected this has completely knocked me off course in ridiculing the Southern Jessies!

Alan

[DRT]

Please note that I did use the word "try" - not all succeed, only those who live in houses without towel rails

Sorry, please don't let me stop your Southern Jessy attack - go for it, they deserve it, they stole my land and made me speak this foreign language - oh, no, sorry, that was you northerners who weren't brave enough to stand up to them before they reached us and ended up marching into battle in the second line, just behind the Welsh

Tired and emotional now signing off

Derek

[Conky]

Celts to the North and Jessies to the South. I'm staying put and building barricades!

Alan

[DRT]

Alan,

We need to have a word about your roots - just think of this - you live in what was once a remote part of the north-western region of what is now known as Engerlund.

To the west is an island of Celts who drink black beer. To the south is a land of Celts who dig coal and eat leeks [and sing in an annoying way]. To the north is a land of Celts who had the sense to build houses on the tops of hills. To the east is a range of unpopulated hills known as the Pennines, riddled with Celtic monuments.

Is it sinking in yet?

Derek

[KillerB]

The major problem is that we live on a relatively small island and England is a bit less than half of it. In that we have a great deal of protected countryside and land owned by faceless aristocrats and corporations. Some is uninhabitable. The rest is supposed to house the 50 million of us that make up the population of England. That's why they are still building on flood plains.

I've always lived on a hill.

[DRT]

KillerB,

You have put forward a fine case for having less Englishmen in the world - present company excepted, of course

Seriously, there has to have been a better way to plan this place. I drove to Devon this week down the M5 for the first time. Looking at the billiard table that stretched for 100+ miles to the east all I could think was "how could anyone ever have imagined that this was a good place to build Evesham?

I do think that the good old Stiff Upper Lip is partly to blame. Take Boscastle, for instance. 3 or 4 years ago it was completely washed away in a torrent from a swollen river that was simply finding it's natural route to the sea. So, what do the brave and heroic people of Boscastle do? Yes, that's right, they re-built it in exactly the same place - Can anyone who has never heard of Boscastle guess what happened this year?

Derek

[Conky]

As this is Meaningless Drivel, I presume I can wander?

That reminds me of the type of people who fall out with the whole neighbourhood. They phone the authorities every ten minutes. They're under the Doctor for Stress. Their kids are bullied by all the other kids, and they either fight, complain to the authorities or stay in under the parents feet.
Are you getting the picture?
Well there are thousands of families like that, maybe hundreds of thousands. But when in an official capacity, you suggest that their disputes (which are always difficult to prove, and appear 50/50 to the outsider) dont look as though they are going away. Its affecting there health and their kids upbringing, so why dont they CONSIDER relocating...you get the look of sheer indignation. The eyes glaze over and you hear the venimous shrill 'And Why Should I Move!!!'

So I dont think its the English. Not even the Jessies. Its Human Nature!
Great aren't we.

Alan

[jdaw1]

having less Englishmen in the world

Fewer.

[DRT]

Thanks jdaw, fewer does for me

I thought you had gone undercover for 2 weeks? Has the Mrs taken her eye of you for a few minutes when standing too close to an internet cafe?

Derek

[Conky]

He has an 80's Bleeper/Pager attached to his waistband that goes off when there's a spelling or grammer fault on the Forum.

[jdaw1]

He has an 80's Bleeper/Pager attached to his waistband that goes off when there's a spelling or grammer fault on the Forum.

In other words, whenever Conky posts.

Grammar.

[KillerB]

Some people's carpets got wet. Some had to get water from the bottom of the street or from Tesco's. It is not a great human tragedy, we suffered more in the drought of 1976, and nobody moaned then.

My garden looks really lush.

[DRT]

My garden looks really lush.

So does mine - I threw down some grass seed about 4 weeks ago and it's now looking spectacular

Derek

PS: If anyone in middle-England is reading this and feeling sorry for themselves at the loss of a carpet, take a look at BBC News 24 and see what real human tradgedy resulting from flood is all about.

PPS: As you might already have deduced I don't believe in human induced global warming but I do believe in human (mainly British) induced third world tradgedy

[Frederick Blais]

Flood happens yes because of global warming but mainly because of woodland cuttings that are the main water retaintion source. England, France and many countries used to do massive woodcuttings like this happening there, it is a primary and easy source of income and heat. Thought we used to be a few millions and they are near one billion so no surprise the effect is that bad and intense. It is hard to blame them, we did show them the exemple

My garden looks really lush.

So does mine - I threw down some grass seed about 4 weeks ago and it's now looking spectacular

Derek

PS: If anyone in middle-England is reading this and feeling sorry for themselves at the loss of a carpet, take a look at BBC News 24 and see what real human tradgedy resulting from flood is all about.

PPS: As you might already have deduced I don't believe in human induced global warming but I do believe in human (mainly British) induced third world tradgedy

[DRT]

Spot on Fred. We have spent hundreds of years cutting down trees to feed our lust for wood from unsustainable sources. The next time anyone sees footage of a mud-slide or flood in Asia or Central or South America or a drought in Africa just glance over at your hardwood dining table and try to work out the link

Derek

[Conky]

So you dismiss Global Warming at mans hand. But you'll jump for Mans Global de-forestation causing floods in Tewkesbury?

Hmmm.

[DRT]

Absolutely. Localised effect is much easier to prove [and believe] than some notion that we can significantly influence the climate of a whole planet that is known to have been in a state of constant flux since it was created.

The flood/mud-slide thing is simple. Tree/plant roots hold the ground together. Cut them down and pour water on the ground and the stuff on the top floats away. It really is that simple.

I will convince you on 1 Sep

Derek

[KillerB]

There is no doubt that we were coming to the end of an ice age anyway but human intervention in the last century has accelerated this process. The rate at which the polar ice caps have been melting is far too quick to be natural whereas the expulsion into the atmosphere of heat and pollution is extraordinary. It is not just our little island but the developing nations that are causing the real problem: Countries the size of India and China with their economic growth.

From space the Earth now glows on the dark side due to the lights of the cities.

As 90% of the environmental scientists, phycisists and geologists in the World believe that human intervention is a major factor in global warming I'm not going to start throwing up conjecture to argue with or against them. The remaining 10% are mostly sponsored by interested parties, mostly American. Thus leading to a lot of heads in sand. Even the scientific paper used by sceptics has had its day as the author claims that environmental change is due to human activity (sorry can't find it).

By the way, in 1989, a speech was made to the United Nations General Assembly about the destruction of the Arctic ice-cap, how it was accelerating due to humanity. This was followed up by speeches to the Royal Society, leading to the establsihment of The Environmental Change Institute. Much to the chagrin of her opponents Margaret Thatcher was one of the World's greatest environmental leaders and she had the guts to back it up big time and the knowledge to understand it. The current government should look back at what she said and did then and take her lead. Apart from that she could be a bit nuts.

The major problem that we've got is that we may already have gone past the critical point and even turning everything off may not help. It may not be possible for us to do anything but it doesn't mean man didn't cause it.

On the other side of the coin, the eruption of a super volcano or a major meteorite strike will cause more damage but we really can't do anything about them. Basically, we're fudged.

[Conky]

Alex,

You seem a reasonable man. I have come to similar general conclusions.
Now when the Deranged Celt starts on the Patio, defying reason and logic...shall we just smile and drink Port. We can sagely nod and continually ask him to expand his fascinating theory. (On the grounds he cant talk and drink at the same time! )

Alan

[DRT]

It seems you guys have fallen into the same trap that most people have through the ages. Can I just remind you that 500 years ago 90% of the scientists in the world believed it was flat and that witches couldn't drown. 80 years ago no one knew how old the earth was and 50 years ago we didn't have robotic lagars. What scientists believe and convince us of today [or any other day] isn't necessarily true, just the best guess they can come up with given the data available and the current understanding of how things work.

I'm not going to bang on about this much longer as you are obviously caught up in the latest scientific reality. However, when the Earths magnetic field flips over in 2021 (23 June @ 21:36:45) I will have a rather smug look on my face

Derek

[Conky]

(As I sagely nod)

Derek, could you expand on your fascinating theory???

(Alex, pour us a glass, an look interested, )

[KillerB]

The Earth's magnetic field should have little effect on the warming of the Earth. It will bugger up all of the compasses, definitely.

It will not necessarily occur at a precise point in time, it's a bit more random than that. We are wildly overdue a flip so predicting is pretty imprecise.

This is what is often called a brown trout. No hang on, a pink salmon. I'm getting there - a red herring.

[DRT]

Can I just go off topic for a moment and say that Alan's new Avatar is fabulous. That is exactly how I am going to feel on 13 August when I go back to work

Derek

[Conky]

Like I said elsewhere...It does sum up a certain type of mood!

Hope Julian see's it before I go back to Bully.

[DRT]

Perhaps we should all adopt it until jdaw drops by to say hello - it is even possible for us to set this as jdaw's avatar, although that would perhaps be considered abuse of power

[Conky]

How come it never runs out of bullets?

[DRT]

Because it's an animated .gif made up of a few still images displayed one after the other repeatedly to give the impression of movement. It isn't a real cat with a machine gun.

Or, it may have a tube attached to the bottom of the magazine [just out of shot] which provides a constant supply of bullets

Derek

[Conky]

Because it's an animated .gif made up of a few still images displayed one after the other repeatedly to give the impression of movement. It isn't a real cat with a machine gun.

Derek

I'm not letting you near my youngest when we're explaining Father Christmas!

[KillerB]

Next you will be telling us that God is just a rationalisation of all the things we don't understand and religion is a method of controlling the masses to avoid anarchy.

[DRT]

I saved myself a fortune by explaining reality to my son at a very early age

[DRT]

Next you will be telling us that God is just a rationalisation of all the things we don't understand and religion is a method of controlling the masses to avoid anarchy.

At last, somone who agrees with my view of religion - a shorter version is:

Religion = Fear of the unknown

Derek

[Conky]

Hmmm,

and look what that well balanced, optimistic soul paints!

Thats definitely a World without Santa Clause!

[KillerB]

Thats definately a World without Santa Clause!

Now, you're just doing it deliberately. One apostrophe crime, one mis-spelling of definitely and a quick 'Clause' at the end to finish it off. You're only doing it because the pig lover is away.

[DRT]

Now you come to mention it, I think he's about to turn into your cat

Derek

[KillerB]

Sebby, like the octagenarian you, is no more.

[DRT]

You're only doing it because the pig lover is away.

Pig lover? Have you seen The Simpsons Movie too?

[to the theme tune of Spiderman]

Spider pig, spider pig
Does whatever a spider pig does

Can he swing, from a web
No he can't cos he's a pig

Brilliant

Derek

[Conky]

Bloody Hell, that was quick. I forgot vabout Finite. Posted for a nano second, edited and corrected, and turned around to see Alex's Post!
Are you sure your not Julians Love Child???

[KillerB]

That's "you're not Julian's Love Child".

Errmmmm... nope, ya weirdo.