A guy is driving around some backwoods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down house:"Talking Dog For Sale". He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"Do you talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the initial shock, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI6.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog."£10.00," the guy says. "£10.00? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar and full of Shlt. He never did any of that stuff."
Talking Dog for Sale!
Whats that I hear you shouting??? Encore,Encore!
Ok then.
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted."
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian."
Ok then.
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted."
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian."
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife
Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of
course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I
only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had
only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed,then
afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Barry, however,
heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat
up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being
funny....but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of
course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I
only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had
only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed,then
afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Barry, however,
heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat
up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being
funny....but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - given that you are blind that you should know five things:
1- The bartender is a blonde girl.
2- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3- I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"
Alan
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - given that you are blind that you should know five things:
1- The bartender is a blonde girl.
2- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3- I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"
Alan
Yorkshire couple go to Majorca for their first holiday abroad. Being typical Brits abroad, they don't trust the local food, and as it's a Sunday they start cooking a roast dinner. Unfortunately they've forgotten the gravy granules, so Maureen says to Geoffrey:
"I'm sure the couple next door are English, go and ask them if they've got some"
So off he goes, knocks on the door, and sure enough a bloke in Union Jack shorts opens the door:
Geoffrey asks politely: "Hast thou any Bisto??"
The bloke says: "Not another Sodding Spaniard!"
Alan
"I'm sure the couple next door are English, go and ask them if they've got some"
So off he goes, knocks on the door, and sure enough a bloke in Union Jack shorts opens the door:
Geoffrey asks politely: "Hast thou any Bisto??"
The bloke says: "Not another Sodding Spaniard!"
Alan
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables,horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,
"we're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Old men can still think fast.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,
"we're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Old men can still think fast.
Having retired to the Backbenches Tony Blair started jogging near his home to get fit.
Every day, he jogs past a 'working girl' standing on the corner of the lane.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" Tony would smile and fire back.
This ritual between Tony and the girl became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's corner, Tony realized she would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good
explanation.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
Tony tried to avoid the girl's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled "See what you get for a fiver".
Every day, he jogs past a 'working girl' standing on the corner of the lane.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" Tony would smile and fire back.
This ritual between Tony and the girl became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's corner, Tony realized she would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good
explanation.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
Tony tried to avoid the girl's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled "See what you get for a fiver".
Just been the Doctors and asked him about the results of the Tests I've had.
He told me I had full Blown Aids and ALSO Parkinsons!
I was gutted, but he chirped up that I should think about the bright side.
I asked him what could possibly be bright about all this news.
He told me that with having Parkinsons disease, I should shake the Aids off!
Alan.
He told me I had full Blown Aids and ALSO Parkinsons!
I was gutted, but he chirped up that I should think about the bright side.
I asked him what could possibly be bright about all this news.
He told me that with having Parkinsons disease, I should shake the Aids off!
Alan.
I met an older woman at the pub other night. I though she was pretty good for a 54 year old.
We drank a fair bit and ended up having a bit of a kiss. We had a few dances, and then she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double - a mother and daughter threesome?
I said, “No love. but I'll try anything once†
We had a couple more drinks, and then she said that tonight was my lucky night.
So we got a taxi back to hers and went into her house.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"
Alan
We drank a fair bit and ended up having a bit of a kiss. We had a few dances, and then she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double - a mother and daughter threesome?
I said, “No love. but I'll try anything once†
We had a couple more drinks, and then she said that tonight was my lucky night.
So we got a taxi back to hers and went into her house.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"
Alan Two poor souls, Alex and Derek, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Alex stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Alex immediately blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into 1931 Quinta Do Noval Nacional Port.
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the Port and the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Port on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Derek looked disgustedly at Alex, whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Derek said, "Nice going Alex! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
Alan
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Alex immediately blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into 1931 Quinta Do Noval Nacional Port.
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the Port and the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Port on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Derek looked disgustedly at Alex, whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Derek said, "Nice going Alex! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
Alan In actual fact , 2 men peeing in an ocean ( pick one ) would not have a significant impact .
However , ( and this is where the verbal diahrea comes in ) theoretical evidence would dictate , that the volume of the body of water would be influenced . In theory , If the body of water had a high saline content , the effect on the environment would be negligeable at best . However , once again , If the body of water contained a significant amount of fresh water ( 90% ) and one was to introduce a large amount of urea and uric acid , theoreticaly this statement could be hoagwash .
However , ( and this is where the verbal diahrea comes in ) theoretical evidence would dictate , that the volume of the body of water would be influenced . In theory , If the body of water had a high saline content , the effect on the environment would be negligeable at best . However , once again , If the body of water contained a significant amount of fresh water ( 90% ) and one was to introduce a large amount of urea and uric acid , theoreticaly this statement could be hoagwash .
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Alex Bridgeman
- Fonseca 1966
- Posts: 15922
- Joined: 12:41 Mon 25 Jun 2007
- Location: Berkshire, UK
While I agree with Derek that if you consider the entire ocean of Quinta do Noval 1931 then it's true that two men peeing into it could not have a significant impact on the chemical composition of the entire ocean.
However, this overlooks Murphy's Law (also known as Sod's Law) which states that only the part of the ocean that Derek was about to drink would contain 2 day's worth of Alex' urine. So everyone can now tell Derek that he was absolutely correct ... but we can all look extremely smug while we do!
Alex (B)
However, this overlooks Murphy's Law (also known as Sod's Law) which states that only the part of the ocean that Derek was about to drink would contain 2 day's worth of Alex' urine. So everyone can now tell Derek that he was absolutely correct ... but we can all look extremely smug while we do!
Alex (B)
Top Ports in 2024: Niepoort 1900 Colheita, b.1971. A near perfect Port.
2025: Quevedo 1972 Colheita, b.2024. Just as good as Niepoort 1900!
2025: Quevedo 1972 Colheita, b.2024. Just as good as Niepoort 1900!
Although I'm impressed that the Three Great Minds, 
(See No, Hear No, Speak No)
have given great thought to the Ocean/Urine debate, but...
The story suggested, and KillerB quickly cottoned on to, the fact that they'll be pee-ing IN THE BOAT!!!
Alan
(See No, Hear No, Speak No) have given great thought to the Ocean/Urine debate, but...
The story suggested, and KillerB quickly cottoned on to, the fact that they'll be pee-ing IN THE BOAT!!!
Alan
Last edited by Conky on 16:50 Mon 06 Aug 2007, edited 2 times in total.
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Alex Bridgeman
- Fonseca 1966
- Posts: 15922
- Joined: 12:41 Mon 25 Jun 2007
- Location: Berkshire, UK
I think that Derek was implying that it didn't matter whether they peed in the boat or in the Noval Nacional 1931, chemically it wouldn't make any difference.
And have you considered what D&A would have to do when the boat was full?
Alex (B)
PS - what was Derek's wish? Presumably for some Quinta do Noval branded ISO glasses.
And have you considered what D&A would have to do when the boat was full?
Alex (B)
PS - what was Derek's wish? Presumably for some Quinta do Noval branded ISO glasses.
Top Ports in 2024: Niepoort 1900 Colheita, b.1971. A near perfect Port.
2025: Quevedo 1972 Colheita, b.2024. Just as good as Niepoort 1900!
2025: Quevedo 1972 Colheita, b.2024. Just as good as Niepoort 1900!
Conky , you are on to something .Derek T. wrote:Right, we're back onto my human impact theory. 2 men could not make a significant impact on the chemical properties of an entire ocean no matter how much they peed in it
Derek
Derek's quote does not specificaly say peeing in the boat or in the ocean . . .
Your keen eye diserves an avatar change !!!
-
Alex Bridgeman
- Fonseca 1966
- Posts: 15922
- Joined: 12:41 Mon 25 Jun 2007
- Location: Berkshire, UK
A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-colour and "dumb blonde" jokes when a well presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands on a chair and shouts; "I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes,
E-jut! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes,but women in general, for the sakeof cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilised country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."
Flustered the ventriloquist began to apologise, when the blonde yells,"You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little bar steward your knee"
E-jut! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes,but women in general, for the sakeof cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilised country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."
Flustered the ventriloquist began to apologise, when the blonde yells,"You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little bar steward your knee"
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
The Old Monk and the New Monk.
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"Somebody left out the R! "Somebody left out the R!" "Somebody left out the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The original word was...
...Celebrate!!!"
Alan
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"Somebody left out the R! "Somebody left out the R!" "Somebody left out the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The original word was...
...Celebrate!!!"
Alan A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband. 'It is 3 o'clock in the morning'. He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife. 'Just some drunk asking for a push!' 'Did you help him?' she asks. 'No. I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring with rain outside!'
His wife said, 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man dutifully shamed, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello. Are you still there?' 'Yes,' comes back the answer. 'You still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes! Please!' comes the reply from the darkness. 'Where are you?' asks the husband. To which the Drunk shouts 'Over here on the swing!'
Alan
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband. 'It is 3 o'clock in the morning'. He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife. 'Just some drunk asking for a push!' 'Did you help him?' she asks. 'No. I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring with rain outside!'
His wife said, 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man dutifully shamed, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello. Are you still there?' 'Yes,' comes back the answer. 'You still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes! Please!' comes the reply from the darkness. 'Where are you?' asks the husband. To which the Drunk shouts 'Over here on the swing!'
Alan