THE FAMOUS LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS:
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest, of course, is history......................
Talking Dog for Sale!
Market Research
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a
young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used
the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me
and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate
hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you
for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me
exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I
put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke....
Alan
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a
young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used
the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me
and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate
hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you
for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me
exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I
put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke....
Alan I was recently explaing to a friend, our morning kitchen routine for Breakfast. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," I explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" My friend asked.
"Actually, yes," I replied. "It use to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Alan
"Did it save time?" My friend asked.
"Actually, yes," I replied. "It use to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Alan An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinaman are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"
A tale that reminded me of Julian and Derek...
The Birds and the Bees
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
Now if you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, I'll have nothing left to live for.'
Alan
The Birds and the Bees
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
Now if you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, I'll have nothing left to live for.'
Alan I felt that Derek might feel left out, with all these jokes in a foriegn tongue (English). So I thought these might redress the balance...
GLESGA STORIES
This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record when his wife
sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"Whit wis that fur?" he cries.
"That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the
name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she.
"Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the
races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on.
" She seems satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work
around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she
nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around, he says, "whit the hell wis that fur?"
"Your horse phoned!" she said.
........................................................................................
A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find
themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train,
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to
sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I was wondering if
you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says,
"I've got a better idea, let's kid-on we're married.
The woman giggles and says, "Why not".
"Good", he replies. "Get your own ' blanket!"
................................................................................................
A Glesga woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in
Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the >concierge.
"Toilet pepper! You bloody eejit"
...........................................................................................................
A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother
he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. Whit part is it?" she asks.
The boy says, "I play the part of the Scottish husband." The
mother scowls and says, "Go back an' tell that
teacher you want a speaking part!"
........................
One day the Primary! 1 teacher was reading the story of the
Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the
story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the
building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I
have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you
think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said
Hell! A talking pig!'"
.................................................................................................................
A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight,
found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or
bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts
for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby
is under weight. You don't have any milk !"
I know," she said, "ah'm his Granny, but I'm glad I came!
GLESGA STORIES
This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record when his wife
sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"Whit wis that fur?" he cries.
"That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the
name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she.
"Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the
races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on.
" She seems satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work
around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she
nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around, he says, "whit the hell wis that fur?"
"Your horse phoned!" she said.
........................................................................................
A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find
themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train,
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to
sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I was wondering if
you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says,
"I've got a better idea, let's kid-on we're married.
The woman giggles and says, "Why not".
"Good", he replies. "Get your own ' blanket!"
................................................................................................
A Glesga woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in
Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the >concierge.
"Toilet pepper! You bloody eejit"
...........................................................................................................
A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother
he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. Whit part is it?" she asks.
The boy says, "I play the part of the Scottish husband." The
mother scowls and says, "Go back an' tell that
teacher you want a speaking part!"
........................
One day the Primary! 1 teacher was reading the story of the
Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the
story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the
building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I
have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you
think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said
Hell! A talking pig!'"
.................................................................................................................
A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight,
found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or
bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts
for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby
is under weight. You don't have any milk !"
I know," she said, "ah'm his Granny, but I'm glad I came!
When Modern Thinking met a different Era!
Horatio Nelson at Trafalgar
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of
this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her
duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors,
lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full
speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and
they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up
there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of
admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing
in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men
to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be
in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy
and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy
Alan
Horatio Nelson at Trafalgar
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of
this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her
duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors,
lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full
speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and
they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up
there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of
admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing
in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men
to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be
in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy
and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy
Alan An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Alan
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Alan 
I'd tell that joke to my better half , BUT since she's a lawyer , I think I'll pass . . .Conky wrote:An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Graham's '63 Vintage !!!Conky wrote:An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinaman are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"
Warre's '77 !!!Conky wrote:Market Research
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a
young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used
the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me
and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate
hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you
for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me
exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I
put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke....
Slipped a bit , Dow '85Conky wrote:"Right Doc, I'm taking it all a bit more seriously now. I've given up the cigars, cut back on all the grilled fatty food, stopped the beer and the Port, and stopped chasing all these gorgeous women!!! Do you think I'll live longer?"
Doctor, "Sadly not...but it will feel like it!"
Luc,
None of my jokes are very good, but I worry that this is a dialect joke. Derek would probably do a good Sean Connery, and would show that every word ends in 'ISH' with that Scotish brogue. He is probably one of the most imitated people over our side.
Of course, when you have to explain your jokes, it is a clear indication they are just not funny!
Alan
None of my jokes are very good, but I worry that this is a dialect joke. Derek would probably do a good Sean Connery, and would show that every word ends in 'ISH' with that Scotish brogue. He is probably one of the most imitated people over our side.
Of course, when you have to explain your jokes, it is a clear indication they are just not funny!
Alan
-
Simon Lisle
- Taylor’s LBV
- Posts: 194
- Joined: 15:15 Fri 31 Aug 2007
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it in his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry in his butt, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Alan
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it in his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry in his butt, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Alan A woman is walking down the street one day when she see's a man with an orange for a head, she tried to resist but curiosity finally took a-hold of her and she went over to him. "Excuse me, I hope you don't mind me asking but...why do you have an orange for a head?"...the bloke said "well, actually it's a really interesting story...I was cleaning out my attic last week when i found this really old dusty lamp, so I gave it a rub and a genie popped out and said I could have three wishes!"..."oh wow!, so what did you wish for then"..."well, first I wished that I was the richest man in the world, and the next morning I woke up with £100,000,000 in my bank account!"..." thats amazing! So what did you wish for next?"..."well next, I wished that I was married to the most beautiful woman in the world, and the next morning I woke up to find this absolute stunner in bed next to me!"..."lucky you! So...what was your third wish then?"..."I wished my head was an orange..."
Alan
Alan Paddy's sitting in the pub in Cork drunk as a skunk. Mick the Landlord: "B'jaysus Paddy I tink you've had enough"
Paddy: "Right you are Michael, I'll be heading home now"he gets up and falls flat on his face! Paddy: "Christ I must be really wasted!" and with that, he gets up again takes one step to the door and falls flat on his face again. "Bloody hell!" he says, he drags himself up by the doorframe and thinks "I'll be ok with some fresh air"he steps outside and falls down again getting annoyed he decides to crawl across the street to his house.
He gets to his door lifts himself up and falls down in his hallway then he crawls up the stairs into his bedroom, gets up and falls down on his face again. He decides to climb into bed and sleep it off.
The next morning Paddys wife Mary comes in, "You had a lot to drink last night didnt ye Paddy?", "How did you know that Mary?" Paddy asks. She replies...
"Mick the landlord phoned, you left your wheelchair at the pub!"
Paddy: "Right you are Michael, I'll be heading home now"he gets up and falls flat on his face! Paddy: "Christ I must be really wasted!" and with that, he gets up again takes one step to the door and falls flat on his face again. "Bloody hell!" he says, he drags himself up by the doorframe and thinks "I'll be ok with some fresh air"he steps outside and falls down again getting annoyed he decides to crawl across the street to his house.
He gets to his door lifts himself up and falls down in his hallway then he crawls up the stairs into his bedroom, gets up and falls down on his face again. He decides to climb into bed and sleep it off.
The next morning Paddys wife Mary comes in, "You had a lot to drink last night didnt ye Paddy?", "How did you know that Mary?" Paddy asks. She replies...
"Mick the landlord phoned, you left your wheelchair at the pub!"
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside!
Alan
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside!
Alan 
The first of these jokes to make me laugh out loud
The first of these jokes to make me laugh out loud.
Re: The first of these jokes to make me laugh out
Me too. So true it is hilarious.jdaw1 wrote:The first of these jokes to make me laugh out loud.
Derek
"The first duty of Port is to be red"
Ernest H. Cockburn
Ernest H. Cockburn
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.
"First body: Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his 21 year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
Alan
"First body: Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his 21 year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
Alan -
Simon Lisle
- Taylor’s LBV
- Posts: 194
- Joined: 15:15 Fri 31 Aug 2007
A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up
behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for? He asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Mary Ellen written on it," she replies.
"Don't be silly, " he says "Two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horse I bet on".
His wife seemed satisfied at this and apologized.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around he asks, "What was that for?"
"Your 'Effin' horse phoned!"
Alan
behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for? He asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Mary Ellen written on it," she replies.
"Don't be silly, " he says "Two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horse I bet on".
His wife seemed satisfied at this and apologized.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around he asks, "What was that for?"
"Your 'Effin' horse phoned!"
Alan 
The Four Cats !
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said 'Measure, do your stuff.'
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'
The Government Employee called his cat and said....
'Coffee Break.....do your stuff.'
Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........
ate the cookies...............
drank the milk..............
crapped on the paper....................
mounted the other three cats.....................
claimed he injured his back while doing so..................
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions........
put in for Workers Compensation...............and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............!!!!!!!!!!
Alan
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said 'Measure, do your stuff.'
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'
The Government Employee called his cat and said....
'Coffee Break.....do your stuff.'
Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........
ate the cookies...............
drank the milk..............
crapped on the paper....................
mounted the other three cats.....................
claimed he injured his back while doing so..................
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions........
put in for Workers Compensation...............and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............!!!!!!!!!!
Alan Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy,Mick & the pilot survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?'
Mick said, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!!!'
Alan
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy,Mick & the pilot survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?'
Mick said, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!!!'
Alan Although I thought that the 15 day prison sentence to the Teddy Bear Teacher was about right, I thought that deportation to Liverpool was a bit harsh...
I've just got a Liverpool Advent Calander. All the windows are boarded up, and some sod's pinched the chocolate.
Apparently, most Liverpool window cleaners carry a sander.
They bury Liverpudlians 9 foot under, when they're dead, instead of the usual 6. It's because deep down, they're really good people!
Alan
I've just got a Liverpool Advent Calander. All the windows are boarded up, and some sod's pinched the chocolate.
Apparently, most Liverpool window cleaners carry a sander.
They bury Liverpudlians 9 foot under, when they're dead, instead of the usual 6. It's because deep down, they're really good people!
Alan
A young man named Wally received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
Wally tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example.
Nothing worked. Finally, Wally got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird yelled back. Wally shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Wally put the bird in his brand new, and freshly stocked, freezer.
For a few minutes, Wally heard the bird squawk and kick and scream... then suddenly there was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, Wally quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Wally's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behaviour."
Wally was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the Turkey did?"
Alan
Wally tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example.
Nothing worked. Finally, Wally got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird yelled back. Wally shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Wally put the bird in his brand new, and freshly stocked, freezer.
For a few minutes, Wally heard the bird squawk and kick and scream... then suddenly there was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, Wally quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Wally's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behaviour."
Wally was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the Turkey did?"
Alan
